Toward the end of a service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady. Mrs. Jones? "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Oh. Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.The little girl screams to her brother "Don't eat it, it's an a**hole.